What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 09:17
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I said to her
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
How do we write and pronounce "it's my pleasure" in Italian?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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And i lived it daily.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was in good health!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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I couldn’t, believe it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why is it so hard to date nowadays?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I have no regrets .
Would this be the day?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was scared of men, in general
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Which one is better to guys, boobs or butt?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He was dying to do it , i knew.
What did i know ?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He knew the spot.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We all went to grammer schools
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Who then, do I blame.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I think the readers, may guess!
It was going to be , some day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My life is so biszare .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was 9 years of age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I waited trembling.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Put me off passion for life!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So, i spoilt her more .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So whats the point in blame.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I write beautiful poetry .
I will be 64.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im still living with it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She married twice! .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it wasn’t much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is soul school!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot live in the past .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Especially a lifetime of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
All the time i was locked up.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i do to all so called friends.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were not on the streets..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
When she asked me how she looked .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She found it foreign!.
I don,t even have a pension.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Ive learnt so much.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But, we were locked up after school.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.